I’m Cranky, and These Labor Nurses Aren’t Helping

Look, I know it can be helpful to members of every workplace or profession to blow off steam about their bosses, their clients, or whichever people make them crazy on a regular basis. However, I tend to think that kind of thing should happen privately, over beers, in person, rather than being posted online where all of your potential clients can see it.

Well-Preserved linked to this Rules of Labor and Delivery piece in the OB Nurses forum on CafeMom. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be funny. Yes, I know you have jobs that can be trying. However, when I see things like this, and then see other L&D nurses commenting on how hysterical and true it is, I hope as hard as I can that I’m never unlucky enough to be one of these folks’ patients. Sure, maybe they’re professional in person. I just don’t appreciate knowing the sentiment is there, underneath.

For example:

11. This day and time, if a patient is between the ages of 37 and 42… she has had approximatley 2-5 partners. If she is between the ages of 28-36, the average is 7. If she is in her early to mid twenties, then her age is how many partners she’s had… If she is a teenager, then “too numerous to count” applies. (and she has had, or currently has chlamydia or trich)

12. Open your damn legs. If you were a virgin, you wouldn’t be here.

13. Shave that sh*t. If we wanted a trip to the jungle… we’d go there.

15. You’d better be nice to your nurse. She, not the physician, decides when you get pain medication… There is such a thing as placebo. We can also make you wait the entire 2 hours… adding 45 minutes for our convenience… or we can give it to you 15 minutes early…. it’s all in your attitude.

16. The fewer visitors you have in with you… the better mood your nurse will be in.

17. Get rid of that one “know it all” visitor before it’s too late. She can ruin the entire experience for you by pissing me off.

25. If you’re an addict, we already have a preconceived notion about you, and we probably don’t like you. Nothing personal… it’s just the way it is. You chose that life… now live it.

In one fell swoop, we have assumptions about sexual history, disregard for drug addicts who may actually need their help, rude comments about women’s bodies, a threat to withhold pain relief, and general threats regarding visitors. If that’s seriously how you look at your patients, get out of the business. It’s not funny.

Update: It looks as though they’ve made the group private overnight so the forum posts cannot be seen. I’d say it’s a little late for that.

Labor’Lert: A Stopwatch for Your Uterus

Via Medgadget, I learned of the Labor’Lert, which is essentially a souped up stopwatch with some features familiar to those who use treadmills. It allows the user to hit a button at the start and end of each contraction, resulting in a digital readout of the contraction spacing and duration. The device also calculates the average length of the last three contractions and average frequency of the last six contractions, It also has a due date countdown, although the display in months, days and hours is a little more precise than Mother Nature tends to be in reality. Hours? Talk about unrealistic expectations. At $30, that’s a little more gadget and precision than even this tending-toward-control-freak needs.

PS-Our friends at Medgadget summed up the device thusly: “So, for those that are feeling excited during labor (everyone) and want to press a timer button in between 1-2-3-push-push-push, this device with a mysterious purpose is for you.” Dudes. This thing is for figuring out when to go to the hospital or call the midwife or what have you – by the time you’re pushing, you don’t need this puppy.